Top 10 Reasons to NOT To Visit Spanish Wells

1. SUNSHINE – quite simply there is just too darn much of it!  Most of us ‘pasty’ northerners need to lather on gobs of sunscreen in order to keep from looking like a tomato after one or two days….and sunglasses…don’t get me started!…I generally lose one or two pair and wind up squinting during most of my stay.

2. FOOD – let’s face it, the restaurants are too many and the food and drink too good.  You are going to wind up adding on a number of lbs (or kg) you just do not need no matter how many times you walk the 3 miles of beach back and forth or how many times a day you go swimming or kayaking.  I suppose you could burn off calories by cycling around on Spanish Wells or Russell Island or over to Eleuthera looking for Preacher’s Caves, blue holes and various secret beaches…but that just sounds like too much effort!

3. SAND – it just gets everywhere; in shoes, in your hair and certainly in ‘unmentionable’ areas.  The worst thing is that after you get back home and you find a bit of it in your shoes or in your suitcase, it just reminds you of how nice the weather was and relaxed and carefree you were lying on the beach and it will make you sad.

4. LACK OF BEACH VENDORS – There is no place to buy a junky souvenir or a ‘my friend went to …… and all I got was this lousy t-shirt’ t-shirt for that annoying relative or creepy neighbor (you know, the one that watches your coming and goings everyday and is always wearing bathrobe that gapes in the wrong place).  I suppose you can get something in the airport on the way back but it is sooo inconvenient.

5. CONNECTIVITY – the internet connections in Spanish Wells are just too good.  There is free wifi at most establishments (including Howard Beach House) and WiMax and even a local Bahamas Tel store where you can get a prepaid data or cell plan for a reasonable price.  How in the world are you going to relax when it is so easy to go online and check your email?

6. NO RENTAL CARS – when I travel, I enjoy the thrill spending ‘big bucks and picking up an almost new rental car that has no dings or scratches, ‘funny smells’ or leftover french fries under the seat.  You just can’t do that in Spanish Wells.  Everything is so close and handy to Howard Beach House that you can walk most places.  Sure, you can rent a golf cart if you like to easily get everywhere you need but the ‘happiness with Hertz’ is just not there.

7. NO GOOD PEOPLE WATCHING – like me, I am sure you enjoy ‘people watching’ as crowds of people stream by….does that guy really think he looks good in a speedo?….what is that hanging from her navel?….I remember the excitement of being in Nassau once when 2 cruise ships came into dock and watching about 3000 people flood into the city fighting over taxis, lining up for bathrooms and browsing in the overpriced jewelry stores ..but in Spanish Wells, with typically about 15 people on 3 miles of beach at a busy time, there are just not enough people on the beach to do that.  You just have to relax, have a snooze, read your book!

8. NO OPPORTUNITY FOR WINTER FASHION – Not to brag but I cut a pretty sexy, suave figure with my woolly Canadian toque (the one with the flaps that come down over the ears) and my puffy ‘michelin man’ coat (at least that is what by wonderful wife tells me).  Sure, I could go down to the fish market to get some fresh fish and hang out in the big freezer they have there but that is just about the only place I can show off my ‘winter prowess’.  Some of the locals claim they have never seen snow!  And as far as going for a skate, those expensive blades I have would just rust up in the salt water.  If you enjoy the snow and ice, don’t come to Spanish Wells because the only place you will find it is in one of those incredibly delicious local cocktails at any one of the numerous local establishments.

9. TOO SAFE – Spanish Wells is just not one of those places that you can unknowingly go to the wrong side of town and meet some shady characters or have a drink in a bar of ‘ill repute’ (about the only shady characters around here are are about 30 feet tall with palm leaves and coconuts!).  There are no guns, no drugs, no crime, no ‘tracks’ to be on the other side of.  What’s the fun of travel if you can’t have some exciting life defying story to brag to your friends back home about?

10. THE PEOPLE ARE TOO NICE – Not only is the weather incredible and the food wonderful but the people in Spanish Wells are just so darn nice and friendly and helpful. You will miss Spanish Wells and its inhabitants when you go home and that will make you sad.  No thank you!  I will just stay home and be miserable (and cold)…bah humbug!